Today was the finals for the SBU Idol singing competition. I auditioned and made it all the way into the top 8. And then we all performed. Everyone was great! And then I went up to sing.
I didn't do well.
The moment I hit the last note I knew I was terrible. I didn't have enough air or the right support and the back of my throat was feeling fuzzy and crackling. But I ended well and people were cheering and I felt like I had done really well. That's when the announcer asked the judges what they thought. Now, the judges hadn't given critiques on everyone, but I thought I would get rave reviews. Instead they mentioned how I should have chosen a song more in my range and not be so pitchy. As soon as I heard that I knew there was no way I was doing well in the competition.
And lo and behold I didn't place. (They only announced the top 3.)
But the worst part about it is how people were reacting afterwards. Everyone told me I was great, some people gave me advice on how I could have been better. Honestly, I would have preferred people give me sympathy for not winning. I did well yes, but it was the finals, everyone "did well". And since I just lost, I wish I could have gotten advice on being better later.
I've been fighting tears ever since.
Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to have been able to even compete in the finals, and the people who won were amazing! But that doesn't mean I didn't want to win. I feel crushed. I wasn't good enough and I don't know why. And I may never know. And I feel sad that I didn't do better.
I wanted to win, or at least dazzle the crowd. Instead right after my performance I got to hear about how bad I was. And by the end, it turns out I was somewhere between "the worst performer there" and "just missing the cut". From my viewpoint, since I'm not singled out as good- I must be bad.
And that hurts.
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