I feel like a failure. :(

Today was the finals for the SBU Idol singing competition.  I auditioned and made it all the way into the top 8.  And then we all performed.  Everyone was great!  And then I went up to sing.

I didn't do well.

The moment I hit the last note I knew I was terrible.  I didn't have enough air or the right support and the back of my throat was feeling fuzzy and crackling.  But I ended well and people were cheering and I felt like I had done really well.  That's when the announcer asked the judges what they thought.  Now, the judges hadn't given critiques on everyone, but I thought I would get rave reviews.  Instead they mentioned how I should have chosen a song more in my range and not be so pitchy.  As soon as I heard that I knew there was no way I was doing well in the competition.

And lo and behold I didn't place.  (They only announced the top 3.)

But the worst part about it is how people were reacting afterwards.  Everyone told me I was great, some people gave me advice on how I could have been better.  Honestly, I would have preferred people give me sympathy for not winning.  I did well yes, but it was the finals, everyone "did well".  And since I just lost, I wish I could have gotten advice on being better later.

I've been fighting tears ever since.

Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to have been able to even compete in the finals, and the people who won were amazing!  But that doesn't mean I didn't want to win.  I feel crushed.  I wasn't good enough and I don't know why.  And I may never know.  And I feel sad that I didn't do better.

I wanted to win, or at least dazzle the crowd.  Instead right after my performance I got to hear about how bad I was.  And by the end, it turns out I was somewhere between "the worst performer there" and "just missing the cut".  From my viewpoint, since I'm not singled out as good- I must be bad.

And that hurts.

I am no longer a teen.

Today I am finally graduating kid-hood.  I turn 20 today.  Now, I know that I'll still be a 'kid' or a 'young person' to most people- but I'm finally out of the teen years.  I can't say I'm a teenager anymore- I'm in my twenties.

It makes me feel.... I'm not sure.... sad?  I feel like I should have accomplished more by now.  I should have more job experience, I should have dated more, I should have done more!

On the other hand, my life is just starting!  I'm an adult and I'm in college, I'm starting my first real jobs, I'm in my first relationship life is great!  This year is going to be my year.  My weight loss is going well and my other resolutions are going great.

But now I'm twenty, which means I have to grow up a bit more.  Or at least I should.....

hmmmmmmm, well I'll have to think about that ;)

- Pim